TTC…One year later

Here we are officially a year after we started TTC. This in itself is exhausting and the haunting feeling that I will never be able to have a child of my own is making things worse. Not to mention that 100mg of clomid makes me crazy!! Literally! As much as I try to have a handle on the emotion side effects, it’s pretty impossible most days and no there isn’t much support on the home front. This TTC journey will always be a rollercoaster and it is for anyone going through it. I want so bad to be pregnant and have our child. Just one and that’s all I ask. But it seems being able to have that one is next to impossible. And if one more person tries to tell me to stop stressing and relax, it will happen I am going to bite their head off.

Lets count… since we have been TTC my little sister has had a baby and now trying for #2, my twin sister just had her third and just last week I found out that my sister in law is pregnant with their third. That makes me the only one without biological children. Not even one as they all are on multiples. It’s utterly depressing!!! And no after all this time trying and tracking and logging and injections and medications…I am not ok. I am done with it! Done with the stress!! I am overly exhausted about TTC at this point.

The Unexpected Constants

I don’t know what it is lately that is just tormenting me. I am so angry and resentful; towards many things. I am angry at my husband, his parents and BM for having the mentality of its ok for me to be a parent when it’s convenient for them at the time. I am angry that these kids treat me like their personal maid. It’s like these people forget that I am a person too and yes I have feelings. I may not always have the best way to express what those feelings are but they are definitely there! One comment that made me almost on a rampage was, “it’s not your job to help them with their homework so don’t worry about it.” Really?!? So it’s my job to do their laundry, constantly clean up after them cause god forbid at 15 and 12 they do it themselves, cook for them, be their transporter and everything else, but it’s all the sudden not my job to help with their homework. And now I am being told to not discipline them; if there is a situation requiring discipline I am to go tell my husband. So basically I am supposed to go “tattle” on them to get things under resolve! Um..ok cause that’s going to make them respect me as an adult figure. So much of this is just baffling to me! I am hostile angry at this point about all this!
My husband and I had a huge blow out last week. What bothers me about it after all was said and done, there was no resolve. No resolve to say, these are the problems and this is how we can fix it. Hubby basically told me to get a handle on the way my life is or leave. Here’s the problem…there are so many things within this stupid “blended” family life I really never saw coming. For instance:

– The constant medaling in our lives from the PEW.

– The constant yelling at the kids to get them to pay attention. I am at the point where I dread coming home just from all the yelling and the lack of discipline towards the Skids. Its really ridiculous that DH puts up with yelling at them 5 times to do the same thing, it still never gets done and if it is it’s just a half ass attempt and DH or I have to do it anyway. I on the other hand will make them keep doing till it’s done right, DH yells and yells about it and then does it himself anyway. So really what is the point of all the yelling, it’s exhausting!

– The Maid factor. I am good enough to do all the things like a normal parent does but the constant reminder from everyone in my life that I am not the parent.

– The constant, I have no control over my life. My life is dictated by everyone else. Forget the fact if I have plans, everyone else seems to make them for me and let me know later. And I am supposed to constantly be ok with the changes. The times I get mad; oh heaven forbid!!

– The constant fact that I put all of myself, my time, my energy, my money, my everything; into this life but who really cares… I am really?!?? Who really cares? I am just a convenience for everyone to have around.

– The constant lack of concern for me and the adjustments I have to make being apart of this family.

– The constant from every one telling me and us how we are going to run our household and what we are going to do. It’s exhausting.

– The constant feeling that “our” marriage isn’t just between us. Its truly not with so many others involved and the issues we are not just between us; they are usually about the others involved.

– The constant feeling that I have no say so in my life.

– The constant feeling that I am at the bottom of the importance totem pole. I always feel last and so do the needs that I have. I don’t even feel like I can voice them without being scolded.

– The constant exhaustion and stress from it all.

Maybe I was a bit naïve and definitely uneducated in the beginning thinking that our lives would be our lives throughout our marriage and when we had the kids, we did and when we didn’t, we didn’t. The scheduling with them; everything that goes on is just that. I don’t regret marrying DH, I just regret how unprepared I was for all of this.

When Your Not Expecting

In Dec. 2009; DH had a vasectomy reversal. Come Mid January we had our first analysis done and everything was great. Things were moving and couldn’t be better. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, nothing is moving. So back to our surgeon we went this morning to have another analysis and get his opinion on what could be wrong. Again, nothing is moving, not even a twitch! Count looks good which is a success in itself but given that nothing is moving and there really is no explanation to why, one wonders where to go from here. There is nothing that can be done to “fix” the problem of immobility. So now we go back in mid August to test again. And so on the rollercoaster we continue. Like many couples we read and research for hours on end. I think that stems even more questions than answers.

The harder thing is the idea of what if. What if I never get to have a child of my own? Is that the entire reason of being a SMom? I like think not! All I have ever dreamed about is being a wife and a mommy to someone. Actually I used to think I would have two or three but being that DH had two, I figured just one of ours would be enough. Now the possibility of never having even one child of my own is unimaginable. How in the world could I ever heal myself of never being a mom? Never holding my own child in my arms, never knowing what its like to carry a child and never have someone to call me mom. Its something my heart can not fathom; nor does it want too. All I can ask is that the Lord hear this prayer and work his miracles. Granted I know He has his plan for me and ultimately He is in control. He gave me a wonderful husband, please Lord give us our own little miracle.

Anxiety over “Mother’s Day”

This year will mark year two of being a SMom on Mother’s Day. The holiday is more than awkward for me. And it’s the one day that is such a slap in the face. It’s a huge reminder to all of us involved within our blended family that I am the SMom and PEW is the Mom. I hate it! Why is she the one always rewarded when she is such a bare minimal mother when every effort of me, every thought process; is put into them. Yet because she is their “mom” she gets all rights to have them the entire day and be celebrated. That part is what disgusts me even more! She is the one that has no regard for them, never puts them first, constantly guilts them into so many things, breaks every promise, would rather do anything else but actually have to be a mom. She only wants to be a mom for the important stuff that makes her look or feel like she is the best mom or when it’s convenient for her. As we are the ones constantly picking up the pieces and mending the broken hearts.
Here’s the other kicker: I don’t know that I want to be celebrated on Mother’s Day; after all technically I am not a “mom”. How do you celebrate a SMom? Really? And how awkward is it that for the kids or DH family to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day? Am I supposed to say thank you? I am not a mom. Truly I want to avoid this day like the plaque! I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Realistically I will probably be home, cleaning and doing laundry. After whenever she decides it’s convenient for her to take them, even on Mother’s day. She calls it her being considerate of us so we can sleep in. It’s the, “no its ok, I will pick them up later that way you guys can sleep in, I will get them sometime later”; when in reality that is her not wanting to set a time because she doesn’t know when she will be up and functioning to get them. Which in turn makes us not able to make any plans for the day because we never know when she is going to get them. The same cycle, over and over; sadly so predictable. And yet, there are so many sacrifices faced daily within me just so she can go off and break Skids hearts over and over.
What if us TTC doesn’t happen? This is a reality I have not faced, nor do I want too. In my mind I still don’t see how we can’t but we are six months into trying now and still nothing. Yet another reminder that I am not a mom. Having a child doesn’t mean Mother’s day gets any easier either. I would want ALL of us together. My mentality is not a yours and ours, its all of us that created our family. This is where I go back to the saying of, “when they are older they will understand.” Lord do I pray!

Just Shrivel Up… and Poof…Be Gone!

What a hurl wind this last month has been. From being sick for two weeks straight to finding out more and more about the daily lives of my step-children while at BM’s house. I think a lot of the frustrations as a Step-parent is the fact that no matter our efforts, she is the constant downer never doing right by the kids. That’s all we are really fighting for daily. And the more irrational occurrences towards the children, the harder it is to have to sit back and let these things happen and knowing that we are the ones that are supposed to tread lightly due to the court system and yet they get away with murder! PEW can not properly provide for the kids, feed them until they are full as they constantly go hungry, never really care for them outside of having to in order to maintain her CS payment. Its mind blowing! As PEW is constantly trying to run our household and tell DH what he is going to do. So if she is a witch does that mean I can splash water on her and she will shrivel up and poof… she is gone? Oh how I wish that sometimes! How I wish she would stop medaling in our lives and go live hers! We never call her every day with the devious games to play and the kids in the middle of it all.

My precious SD yesterday! That poor girl is almost 12 and has to think so much like an adult! There is no just being a kid within their situation because of BM lack of maturity or being fit to be a “mom”. I found out that the other day SD went and hid from BM when she came to DH parent’s house to pick them up. She hid and told them how badly she doesn’t want to go, how she hates it over there and asks if they could just tell her she is not there. Monday night while waiting for BM to pick the Skids up from our home, SD went to “take a nap” at 5pm; I could totally tell that realistically she was depressed about leaving, it was hurtfully obvious. And when BM got there, SD is asking me if she has to go literally begging me to let her stay. It’s heartbreaking! What am I supposed to say?!!? SD opened up a lot yesterday to DH as he was dropping her off at a friend’s house. She definitely has gotten more verbal about BM. We never poke for information nor do we ever ask; we let the kids do the talking whenever they do. Come to find out BM has literally on an everyday basis been harassing the kids for information about DH and I. Are we happy, are we pregnant yet and on and on. SD told DH that BM has gone crazy! That she has! From telling the kids that DH is never there for them and never will be and all sorts of an ear full. Those poor kids! And we have to sit idol until the kids have finally decided they have had enough. The psychotic BM told SD “I don’t know why you keep asking to go stay with your dad, don’t you think that I will miss you to much if you go over there? Besides your dad doesn’t want to be bothered by you when it’s not his weeks, he has made that very clear to me so you have to stay with me. And the court requires that you stay with me a certain amount of time. That’s why your dad pays me every month.” How can comments like this not make you furious but yet there is nothing we can do? What are we going to do? Call her and fight with her over it, no! It’s just not worth the attention. But good gosh this PEW really needs to stop playing games with these kids, who are now my kids too! It’s called move on, you left so you could go live your youth again and be with another man so go live it! Let us live ours and leave the kids out of it. We pay you every month and yet that’s not enough and heaven forbid you actually care and treat your kids like a “normal” mother!

Differences of Stepparent vs Biological Parent

Why is it so different being a Stepparent verses a biological parent? Just last night SD11 told me that her mom had told her that she “is so proud you call me mom because that’s something (Emmy) will never have, that makes me so proud to be your mom.” My response to her was, “to me, biological factors do not play a role on whether or not I am a mom because I am, I just didn’t give birth to you.” She said, “I kinda don’t get it, you do everything a mom does so how does that make you not our mom too? You didn’t have us but you still care for us like you are so I don’t really understand the difference, other than the birth thing”. I told her that is a matter of perception and to some people because I didn’t give birth to you, I am not your mom but to me I don’t care that I didn’t give birth to you, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t my kids too”. SD told me that she hopes someday I will have a child or two of my own so I can have someone call me mom since she doubts they ever will be allowed to. And there is no expectation on my part that they do.

Many times I have struggled with this “Stepparent/StepMom” label. Is being a mom such a thankless job and then on top of it you always have the reminder that you are not their mother over you head? Daily I go through the same routines with my Skids as any mom does with her kids, from sun up to sun down. But yet, to some people I will never be considered a mother since I didn’t give birth to them. Whatever. I still love them, care for them and do everything possible as their mother. As Oprah said, “Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”

Snapping Out of Negatives

Now free of this negative zone that has been all too consuming; focusing back on the positives feels so much better. Being a part of a blended family there are many reoccurring days that are surrounded by extreme negatives. As the days pass, it’s so easy to stay within that bubble. Every so often I find myself consumed by all the destructive language, behavior and mannerisms coming from every angle.

Looking back over the past six months there has been unbelievable changes. We have gotten engaged, gotten married, DH had a reversal and now we are on the fertility rollercoaster TTC. This is technically our second month of trying with no positive pregnancy yet. Knowing these things have its own time; doesn’t mean this is an easy thing to go through. On the other hand, I am more than thankful that the surgery was a success and we at least now have the possibility where there was none before.

There is a comfort in realizing I am not alone. So many other SMoms struggle with the same conflicts and frustrations! DH is my absolute best friend but sometimes even he doesn’t understand the emotions I go through as a SMom. There are times those emotions are ones I can’t even comprehend myself or am able to tell DH for lack of being able to explain them. Being that I am very reactive to the dim-witted things PEW continues to do, it’s hard to not get wrapped in. Many SMoms, including myself, will never be able to understand the so called “logic” these women have. That logic is definitely not common sense that’s for sure!

Today I am back to being me, no longer letting the issues of a blended family be so consuming. Back to the “whatever” attitude that gets me through it. No longer do I want to stress over the things I just can’t control. Granted I know at some point I will fall back in the same rut and come out of it again. All of the emotions are just something as a SMom we all go through.

But God has promised strength for the day, rest for the labor, light for the way, grace for the trials, help from above, unfailing sympathy, undying love. ~ Annie Johnson Flint

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